i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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