im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
