So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
