I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
