im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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