his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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