I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
