Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
