Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
