i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
