Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I think i got beer on your cat.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
