One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
