so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Randomize
