my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
