this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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