She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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