Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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