so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
