I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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