she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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