you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
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