don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
