I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
