I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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