when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
