i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
