do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Randomize
