Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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