youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
