Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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