Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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