well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
