well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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