Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
