im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
