she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
