the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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