I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
