I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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