Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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