I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
