Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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