i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
