I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize