I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
