I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize