i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
