Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
