im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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