I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
