P.S. I can't hear my feet
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
