Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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