Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
