he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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