Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize