i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
