he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
