Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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