no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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